Is it over yet?

I wish it were.  Over.  I'm tired of having to make decisions for the family on my own.  Or handle the finances the best I can on my own.  Or trying to narrow down with logic and try to make educated guesses on my own.  I was pretty sure, back in the fall, that this was a partnership.  It really does not feel that way sometimes, and I get angry about that.

Mothers do things that go unnoticed and we are supposed to just 'let' it happen.  Our roles are sometimes a silent one.  We facilitate family support and our reward is silence and no acknowledgement.  Sometimes by our spouse, more often by our children.   Sometimes, Moms wants to jump up and down and shout and point.  Hey!  I did that!  I helped!  I made it happen!  But instead, we are supposed to be content to sit by and watch while others reap the rewards or be so thrilled with others happiness that that should be enough for us.

Sometimes I feel bad for feeling this way and I know how much my husband appreciates me and there isn't a lot that he misses.  But that is hard to feel when he himself is not tangible right now, not here, with me.

So I'll wait.  Carry on my life and go through the day to day motions.  I do what is expected of me, as a Mother, A Wife, and for my career.   I'll do for others, because I want to, and I need to.

I'll admit.  It's not always easy to hold your head up high and smile.  I'm not even always thrilled that my husband is a hero and out doing things for this country that most men would not even dream of.  I'm always proud of him.  But I can't really say I'm thrilled about this whole situation.  I don't think I'm supposed to be.  Most spouses are not going to say how pleased they are their loved one is out there, risking it all for our country.  Incredibly proud?  Absolutely.   But I'd be fooling myself and others if I said I was happy about it.

I'd even like to say that I'll be happy when it's all over and life can go back to normal.  But it won't go back to 'normal'.  Does anything really go back to 'normal' after you've been apart for 400 days and you've both been stressed, pushed to your limit and who knows what else?  This year+ is going to be a defining point in our entire life.  I'll still be thrilled to death when he comes home.  So we can get on with our lives.  But I'm not fooled that anything will go back to normal.